New Year’s Day, 2014

Last night Joanna was teething (as far as we could tell) and cried piteously over and over and over again. She finally went to sleep for good around 2:30 am, which is about half an hour before I finally got to sleep, too. Ironically, Ted and I had chuckled to each other about going to bed super early at 10:20 or so, rather than waiting up for midnight. We had anticipated a good long night’s sleep.

Then Joanna started crying. And, feeling somewhat stressed out after multiple attempts to calm her, I decided to read the book I just bought, “Wings”, by Aprilynne Pike. It’s paranormal YA, so relevant to what I’m working on myself. I should NEVER read in bed. I have learned that lesson before. I can’t put books down. I didn’t, until just after Joanna had stopped crying and Ted said, rather mildly, “I thought you were just going to read the very first bit.”

We thanked our lucky stars therefore, when the twins slept until 9 am this morning. We lazed around, had breakfast, went for a walk. Hazel brought her new doll stroller that we got her, with one of her stuffed bears tucked into it. She’s been asking for a doll stroller for a long time. I am therefore amused that she calls it her “little cart.” Emily walked and walked. She fell and smacked her lip and cried for a while, but she got back down and walked some more. She’s a trooper.

During the kids’ nap, Ted and I took everything off the Christmas tree and took it down. It’s been lovely, but it’s also a relief to start getting our house back into some semblance of regular order (whatever that means). After nap, we went off to Storables. It is a heavy irony that I often live in a rather messy house, but still have a possibly unholy love for organizing things. We bought a cart with a butcher block top. This will solve a multiplicity of problems in our kitchen, which has lovely high ceilings but not quite enough floor space and definitely not enough counter top space. This is partly due to a dearth of counters, and partly because we constantly allow our counter top to become covered by all sorts of detritus. Our new cart will give us a second chopping spot, and also needed storage space. And it’s on wheels. The twins were just beginning to discover the delights a wheeled cart when we cruelly scooped them up to go upstairs for bedtime. The nirvana of a clean and organized kitchen is now dancing before my inner eye. I have restrained myself from maniacal giggling, however, as I don’t wish to scare my offspring.

This evening Joanna started her piteous crying again, so Ted took the other two off to the grocery store while I stayed home with Joanna to calm her down. I almost never get to spend one-on-one time with either twin. It was lovely. Snuggling one baby in your lap is logistically simpler than two plus a 4.75-year-old, that’s for sure. She calmed down pretty soon and we read a book about baby chimpanzees about a thousand times, and then played with her bottle. I hid it and she got it back, giggling madly.

Hazel had a hard time at various points today, but we did some good communication as a family, I think. Emily’s having to begin to learn to share, and is having a hard time with that, too. Everybody’s always learning. Sometimes it’s exhausting, sometimes it’s exhilarating, but it’s almost always necessary. Today it was often exhausting, but we managed.

All in all, a good day.

cello students, teenagers, babies’ sleep

I had a new student today. He’s a teenager, and barely opens his mouth enough to allow words to escape. I had to keep asking him what he’d said, in that terminally uncool way adults have. He also seemed to doubt that what I was suggesting he do had any worth, despite admitting that it was helping him to play in tune.
Me: “Did you hear that that was better?” [enthusiastically]
Him: “Well, it was better in tune.” [grudgingly]
Me: “Well, that makes it better, doesn’t it?!” [in my head]

I have another fairly new student whose mom doesn’t want her to have cello lessons if she’s not in orchestra. She doesn’t want to be in orchestra, because it’s too early (8:10 am or so). For that 8-ish class she gets up at 5:30 or 6, because it takes her a long time to wake up. Now, I am not a morning person. At. All. But I’d rather sleep longer and get up later. We’re all wired differently, though. So, I may lose her too. Nonetheless, she is getting better and appears to be aware of that, so that’s all to the good. She doesn’t seem to like much other than riding horses, though, so I think it’s about even odds whether she’ll keep cello up or not.

So my Thursday may go from very very busy to pretty light. We shall see. So goes the workload of the self-employed musician. Up, down, side to side.

I came home late, barely in time to help with putting the babies down. I was worried that my presence would be a disruption, get everyone worked up and unable to go to sleep. But, miraculously, it only took Emily 4 minutes, and Joanna 11. Amazing. And wonderful. And here’s hoping the night is smooth, too.

The cockles of the heart do warm when two babies start giggling and crawling/scooting toward you on sight, and pile into your lap to snuggle.

Tomorrow: practicing, Hazel’s preschool, and twins’ swim lessons. And then more practicing.

sleep deprivation and other adventures

Last night was another doozy: the twins (and consequently Ted and I) were up from 2:45 to 4:30 am, as well as other times before and after that time period. I think their longest sleep stretch was 2.5 hours from about 4:30 to 7. When I nurse them at night (usually singly these days) they never want to come off on their own, and I just can’t sleep that way. I am not sure how mama pigs manage it, with all those piglets suckling at once. So, this morning we slept in. Hazel woke up around 9:35 and went downstairs (our nanny was arriving at 9:30 for a weekend session so we could get more org done on the basement). Ted and I went down about 20 minutes later. The lack of sleep is contributing to crankiness. If this keeps up, we’re going to have to start going to bed quite a bit earlier to give ourselves a chance to get more sleep. Eventually we get to where we just can’t function as well, individually and as a couple.

Yesterday evening Ted filled the van with stuff for a computer recycle place and the dump, and this morning after we’d had some breakfast we got rid of it all, except some software the computer place didn’t take. Somehow we had six (OLD) desktop computers to donate. I am not at all sure of how that occurred, but it feels good to have them off our hands, and in the charge of an organization which can deal with them. There were also four keyboards, a printer, and a sufficient number of cords to form a complex web for a robotic spider.

Then we came back and cleared some more shelf space. We found our bird feeder. I want to go buy seed and get it hung up on the front porch. There were bird feeders where we stayed on the east coast, and it was such a pleasure to watch the birds landing, jostling for position, eating, and taking off, wings whirring.

The basement now looks like a normal basement. The workshop is still quite full and is going to require hours of work, but in general we are now quite confident that the state of the basement wouldn’t qualify us for a Hoarders episode.

This afternoon I had a rehearsal, during which this week’s intense sleep deprivation made it hard to focus and count. Nonetheless, it was fun. There’s a rhythmic, driving section that’s got a lot of loud C string notes to dig into. I need to set aside some extra practice time this week, to combat the haze brought on by lack of sleep.

Tomorrow I have a writing group meeting, and then I think we’ll go get Hazel a bike. I can’t wait to ride with her.

A crazed rush and whale watching

Yesterday, after a certain amount of discussion, we decided to go on a whale-watching trip that left from Plymouth, which is pretty close to where we’re staying. After the discussion, it was time for the babies’ morning nap, so I took them upstairs and nursed them to sleep. When we got up, there were only about 20 minutes left before we intended to leave, so I experienced a sort of time dilation wherein things started to move faster and faster until, suddenly, the house was empty of people other than my family and me. We packed up, got the babies in the car, and took off. We got about 4 minutes down the road and realized…. Oops, we forgot the nursing pillow. We went back.

“No, let’s keep going! They’ll leave without us!” – Hazel.

Ted ran in and grabbed the pillow and the nursing hider. The babies were screaming by now. Ted came back out, jammed the stuff in the car, and we took off. When we got to the same spot as our previous turnaround, Ted spoke up.

“We don’t have the diaper bag.”

“Argh,” I said. And I said some other things, under my breath. We went back. When we left again, we had about 12 minutes in which to complete a 10 minute drive. The babies continued to scream. I called my friend P to tell him we were on our way. My friend M called to see what had happened to us. P called to tell us about the parking situation. I was unable to process anything with the babies screaming.

To make a long story shorter, we did finally arrive. Ted parked the car. The nice lady at the bottom of the gangway took a family picture. I haven’t seen it yet, but if we’re all smiling in it, the pic will not fairly represent the emotional tone at that moment.

Once on the boat we figured out that we could use jackets put on backwards to help support the babies. Tucked inside the nice warm, fuzzy, cozy interior, Joanna quickly fell asleep. She slept for a record four hours, the entire duration of the trip.

We went for a long way to get to the whale feeding grounds. A grin quickly plastered itself on my face. There’s little I love more than the breeze and spray on my face while I stand on the bow of a boat. We traveled into fog, and wondered if we were going to actually see whales, given that visibility was so low. But we did. The fog cleared up, and spent quite a while watching a Humpback whale named Nile surface and dive. We also saw a Finback later on, and that whale wound up quite close to our boat. Very thrilling. There was also a glimpse of a Minke whale, though I didn’t catch it.

Hazel ran around, talking to everyone on the boat. I think all the kids saw at least one of the whales. P got some great footage. I took a few pics, but mostly just held Joanna. This morning I woke up with sore arms, and wondered why for a moment, until I remembered that I’d held her for four straight hours.

Last night I was so tired I felt drugged. I would have slept like a log, except for the babies’ frequent wakings, but Ted kindly took them downstairs around 8 am this morning, and I snoozed for another hour and a half. That was lovely.

Now various people are playing Apple to Apple. I’ve never played it, and it sounds amusing. I think maybe I’ll wrap here, and join the game.

(not) sleeping, biking, playing, feeding, sleeping

I am wiped out. Yesterday I made a commitment to getting up sooner, and so of course last night I stayed up until 3 am. My inner child was screaming, “You can’t make me go to bed!!!” at the top of her lungs. I am going to go to sleep soon, and hope that my night last night hasn’t cost me the battle with a cold.

Nonetheless, today had some very nice aspects. I walked over to the bike shop to pick up my bike, which I’d taken in for a tune-up. I bought a helmet & lock, and rode home. I didn’t think I’d make it up even a fraction of the multi-block hill, but I did! That was exciting. Also positive was feeling the wind on my face while biking, a sensation I haven’t experienced in years, and Hazel’s excitement about going out for a ride with me. When Ted got home we all headed over to a park to meet up with some friends. Ted took the babies and the car, and Hazel and I rode our bikes over. She loved it. She said how much she liked just being with me, “It’s simpler this way!” When I brought my bike out her eyes got really big. “Wow, your bike is huge!” I am looking forward to many more rides with Hazel.

At the park we popped the twins into a swing, back to back. Listening to their giggles while they swing is an enormous pleasure. Hazel had friends to play with too. It was a spectacular day and evening, so great to be able to hang around outside in just light pants and a short-sleeved shirt, looking at a blue sky, gorgeous light, and flowers everywhere.

Ted and I took the kids to a restaurant close to the park for dinner. The babies are very excited to eat. We gave them some bits of a Caprese salad, some hamburger, melon, chicken, tomatoes, and mac and cheese. It all went over very well. Joanna did a lot of kicking her feet with glee and smiling. Emily jiggled up and down. Then Ted drove everyone else home and I rode home. My sit bones are sore now, and the knee is not totally happy, but I think the kinks will work out of the old system, and I will start getting quite a lot more exercise.

Now for bed!

Swimming, bad moods, and great hair cuts

At today’s swimming lesson, Hazel made multiple steps forward. She pushed off the pool wall to me without holding hands first. She even told me to step further away from her before she did it. She wouldn’t blow bubbles through her nose, but she did a lot of them with her mouth. And she was willing to try putting her head down on my shoulder and her belly up to float on her back a couple of times. I fell into my own personal trap of pushing her too hard to try more, and will try to remember next time to just thank her for trying as much as she did. Nonetheless, we had a good time, and since we didn’t have anywhere we had to go afterwards, we were able to sit in the sauna together for a while, which Hazel loves.

Today I woke up feeling just plain unwilling. It was the sort of day I’d have preferred not to talk to anyone or do anything. Days like that are tough, and it took me a good part of the day to work around to a better space. I did say my Sufi mantras to myself in the car on the way home from the swimming class, and that helped. They were given to me to say by a person I see once in a while for physical or emotional support, and they have been helping me shift my energy in a more positive direction. I don’t necessarily understand them, but they fall into the category of Whatever Works. I also had a personal training session today (our gym offers monthly assessments as part of our membership), and that helped too. Exercise is amazing.

After the swimming lesson, I asked Hazel where her colored blocks were, and discovered that she’d been pretending they were mice food and putting them through the cat door. That would have been ok, except that they’re not outside toys, and more importantly, the cat litter box is on the back porch, and they were now covered with feline fecal matter particles. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of the babies sucking on them. So, in my unwilling and cranky mood, I took all of the toys that’d taken the trip through the cat door, put them in the tub, and washed them, kvetching away to myself all the while.

Then, thankfully, we had a long nap. We were upstairs for two and three-quarter hours, and asleep for almost all of that. I think we all needed it.

The best part of today was this evening, when we took a family outing to the kids’ hair cutting place Hazel goes to. She has a most wonderful, sweet, creative, encouraging stylist who has completely changed her outlook on hair cuts, following her first disastrous experience at another salon. Today I told her that my only stipulation was that she get her bangs trimmed, and as it happened, she was totally willing to let her stylist trim the rest of her hair too. And then, she put in two braids. And THEN, she put glitter all over Hazel’s hair (after asking first), which Hazel loved. She got all the colors. The thing she loves almost best about these hair cuts, of course, is that she gets to squirt me, Ted, the stylist, and a bunch of toys with the bottle the stylist gives her. Meanwhile, the twins just hung out in their stroller, watching. It was a good time.

And the capper? I was actually able to finish washing the dishes when we got home. Such excitement.

Tonight, in order to attempt to help the twins sleep longer, we’re going to supplement the pumped breast milk Ted gives them with formula, so he can just feed them until they’re totally satiated when they wake up in the middle of the night. Fingers crossed!

Swimming lessons

We watched a TV show, an entire episode! We are amazed. The evening started off not so well. Ted took Hazel upstairs, and I heard constant pattering of feet at she ran after him every time he tried to leave. Most of the time he didn’t even make it downstairs. Eventually, I heard screaming. I decided that since she was having such a hard time, it made sense to try to take care of an immediate need in the hopes she’d then be able to settle. So, I told her that if she calmed down and got in bed I’d come up and give her a hug. She did. I did. She said she didn’t like being alone. I told her I understood, but that she was going to have to do it. She was reasonably calm when I left, and she stayed upstairs, and has been asleep for quite a while. So, further progress. Then, after I’d done the dishes and Ted had taken the babies for a walk, we fed them some spinach (we’ll expand their menu this week). After that, we got settled in on the couch. I fed the babies, and we watched one of the last episodes of Season 2 of Downton Abbey, so as to catch up and be prepared for Season 3. Halfway through Emily got done nursing, and Ted took her. She was a bit bored, but we made it all the way to the end! We haven’t watched something on the small screen in months and months. It gave us the feeling, even if it’s fleeting, of being normal people again. We’ll try not to let it go to our heads.

—–

Today was the first swimming lesson in a series. Hazel has had swimming lessons before, but it’s been quite a while. To my surprise, she clung to me and wouldn’t let go for the entire session. She did have a good time. She laughed a lot, and splashed, and eventually kicked her feet some. I’m hoping she’ll relax about it over the course of a few more classes. She’s just used to the other pool we usually go to, I think, that has a much shallower end. She gets a bit freaked out when the water’s really deep. But she wanted to stay in the pool when class was over. They were setting it up for the next session and we had to get out, so we sat in the sauna for a bit to warm up. She didn’t want to get out of that, either. Then I had to convince her to get out of the shower and come over to get wrapped up in a towel. And then she didn’t want to get out of the towel in order to get in her clothes. Possibly she’s inherited my dislike of being cold when not immersed in water. Nevertheless, she wanted to know if the next lesson would be tomorrow. So I think overall it was a success.

I want to take the twins for swimming lessons too, but I’ll have to do that with the nanny, since obviously there have to be two of us to hold the babies in the pool.

—–

I have been napping with all three kids. Today, when Hazel woke up I had a dilemma. She really had been asleep long enough, but I didn’t want to wake up the twins. I asked her if she wanted to go into her room and read, but she didn’t. She can’t really read, of course, though she could look through her books. Later, I asked her if she’d like to draw in there. She gave me an enthusiastic yes. So, we might try putting some crayons in the room to see if she’ll go for it when that moment happens again. If she does, maybe we’ll get an easel, and then perhaps she’ll get used to spending fun time in there by herself at the end of nap. I’m not ready for her to be by herself downstairs, and I can’t successfully extract myself from the twins to go downstairs with Hazel. Though I can sometimes put them down when they’re sleepy, I can’t usually move them from nursing on me to the swings without waking them up. So, we all have to be on the same floor of the house for now.

—–

Recently I heard that a former teacher of mine had won an award. Stories in the comments on Facebook included a reference to a phrase he used to use all the time: “Comments, questions or profound thoughts?” I use it too, and I had entirely forgotten where I’d heard it. It’s nice to get these bits of memory back, to fill in one of the legions of holes that pepper the tapestry of my life’s narrative that spools out in my head. That class was where I got re-acquainted with a friend from much earlier in my childhood, who’d been gone from our public school system to do a few years at a Jewish school. I had forgotten that until I remembered Mr. C’s phrase. I like feeling these old pathways reigniting. I can imagine the dendrites lighting up as neurons fire and data is recovered that hasn’t been accessed in years. Among other things, I think this will benefit my writing, as I can draw from memories from my childhood for the creation of feeling and atmosphere, if not actual content. Not that all the memories are joyful or even pleasant. But they’re mine, and all things considered, I’d rather know the road I’ve travelled than not. It’s my life, after all.

Project Time

It’s project time. The twins have been sleeping all swaddled up on Ted’s chest. We didn’t think he’d be able to do that with two babies, but they’re small, and we have these monstrous twin nursing pillows that help frame his arms and keep everything steady. And he’s able to sleep that way, though it’s not the same quality of sleep. Pros are that the babies get wonderful kangaroo care at night, and they and their daddy get to bond. The obvious con is that poor Ted never gets to sleep unencumbered, or fully under the covers. He says that on the one hand he’s looking forward to getting better sleep, but that he’ll also really miss the snuggling with them, and that it’s a phase that’s not coming back.

However, as the babies are starting to roll over, it’s time to move them to their own sleeping surface. Two cribs would take up a huge amount of real estate, too much in our house, and besides, we think that cribs were not designed for shorties like us. Getting a baby in and out over those high sides is a pain in the butt. So, we’ve shoved the twin bed (organic mattress with natural rubber core) into the corner, and today we went to Home Despot, I mean Home Depot, to buy supplies to make walls for the outside and end of the bed. (Note: I had an extensive conversation with our pediatrician about this plan, and she has given it her approval.)

Supplies: 2×4 for a footer; 2 plywood sheets with poplar facing; L brackets, and plates. What we still need: Safecoat (a sealer to prevent emissions from the plywood); some light padding; cloth. We’ll also get a bumper to keep them on their own sides of the bed so they can’t roll into each other at night.

We’ll attach the first plywood piece to the footer, and it’ll additionally be supported by the bed frame. Then we’ll attach the second plywood piece (it’ll sit inside the bed frame too) to the first with angle brackets, and then screw a couple of the metal plates onto the plywood so we can clamp it tightly to the headboard. The walls will extend about 10 inches above the mattress; when the twins get more active and able to start climbing out we can extend them in a number of ways. This is where the fact that the walls and ceiling are plywood too comes in handy; we can affix whatever we want to them and not care at all.

The alternative, of course, would be to have mattresses on the floor, but they can develop mold underneath them, and we just prefer to have our beds in frames.

As Hazel gets used to sleeping on her own (and today she went down for a nap by herself, and slept the whole time by herself, huzzah!) we will gradually transition to all the kids sleeping in the kids’ room. It will be interesting to see, once the twins are older, whether they want to sleep in their own beds, or together. Possibly there is a bunk bed in our family’s future.

Also today we got Hazel a helmet so she can ride her new balance bike. She’s really looking forward to that!

Transitions

There’s nothing like seeing a baby start smiling and salivating profusely upon sight of you to make you feel needed. It’s pretty funny:  the expression on Joanna’s face tells me that I’m being seen as “Mommy/food!” But it’s also, “Mommy/comfort”. Very sweet. Looking over from my chair, they are both smiling at me, making that “You really want to feed us again, you know you do!” face. Almost impossible to resist.

After last night’s difficulties, we’re going to try something new. Ted is going to take Emily for a walk to see if he can calm her down before attempting to get her down to sleep. We’ll see… Ok, that didn’t work. Now he’s out with both of them (after a further feeding session). They’re very upset. We’re in that difficult transition between the old pattern that worked beautifully, and the new pattern, which hasn’t come together yet, but will hopefully settle soon! Come to think of it, maybe that’s why the babies are wanting to nurse all the time. Transitions are hard for everyone.

——

Today when Hazel got home from her aunt’s house, she came over to hug the babies and said, “I missed Emily. I missed the babies.” She really loves her little sisters.

——

Tonight we got to go through bags and boxes of hand-me-downs from our generous neighbors. I really appreciate our village. Hazel’s wearing awesome fuzzy yellow pj’s tonight.

Sewing and drumming are not the same

This afternoon I did get the twins to nap, but not easily. It involved about 35 – 40 minutes of singing, and 1.5 hours of bouncing both of them in their bouncy seats while sitting in my nursing chair. The motion reminded me of when I was a kid, using the foot pedal on my mom’s Singer sewing machine. Of course, that only required one foot, not two. And when I tried to type, I discovered that I’m not sufficiently coordinated to work both feet and hands at the same time. Every time I tried to do anything more complicated than reading, my rhythm got off and the babies stirred. I have had a sneaky idea in the back of my head for several years, which originated when I went to the EMP and spent 10 minutes in a percussion room, of learning how to play a drum set and playing in a band (with all my spare time). Playing drums was incredibly fun, but this afternoon’s experience underlined how insanely difficult it is to do well. Another strike against me is that I’m absolutely terrible with lyrics. I just don’t hear them. Consequently, I know the first few words to a few songs, and then it’s, “Something, something something….” Singing lullabies meant cracking open my laptop and reading the lyrics rather than gazing, soulfully or otherwise, into my babies’ eyes as I serenaded them. Maybe the glow of a computer screen will always make Emily and Joanna somnolent. Perhaps I’ve ruined their ability to do their homework without falling asleep in the middle of it. It’s my fault they’ll never graduate from college!

Anyway, maybe when I’m in my 60’s and my kids are grown and out of the house, I’ll assuage my empty-nest syndrome by taking drum lessons. And then I’ll form an old lady rock band. We’ll practice in our garage and irritate all the neighbors. “When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now…” (Beatles, “When I’m 64”.) Though I’d better not have grandchildren on my knee:  at that point Hazel will only be 24, and the twins will be 20 or 21.

—–

Today I realized that the company I ordered my new birthday camera from is located in New York. Given the devastation there, I’m not expecting to see it for some time. If only delayed merchandise and cancelled flights were the worst consequences of Sandy. I have read stories of people doing really wonderful things, both in the line of duty and not. Here’s hoping that the affected communities come out of this with as little damage and trauma as possible. A storm 1000 miles across really boggles the mind.

—–

We’re going to have friends over for Halloween. I can’t wait to see all the kids together, dressed up and excited. Fun, fun! I’m going to make cider (lots), smoked salmon chowder, spaghetti with pesto meatballs, and maybe, if I’m feeling really ambitious (probably not) a pie. Though really, on Halloween desert seems superfluous. We roasted the seeds from our pumpkin today. I am glad that I learned so much about cooking, cleaning, sewing, and generally household DIY projects from my mom. Sharing that knowledge and experience with my kids is very rewarding.